Refrain
by Pharos
Summary: What if Kallen hadn't been there when Lelouch tried to take Refrain? What happens when the real world becomes a dream? What will one man do to keep that world? Rated T: For 'Drug' Use and Future Chapters Please R&R for me!
1. Chapter 1

Refrain

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them

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A cold wind brushed against the flesh of his arm, pulling at the pitch-black tendrils of loose wavy hair that partially covered his lavender-hued eyes. Behind him the sea lapped at the concrete walls of the dock as if it would deny the stony walls presence. He felt none of it, heard none of it. He could only hear the soft hissing release of the needle as it pierced through flesh, only wanted to feel the cool liquid rushing through his veins and into his system offering him the release he so desperately desired. Lelouch heaved a sigh of relief as he leaned his back against the steel post shutting his eyes as the world around him slipped slowly away.

_"Big brother!"_

_ The sweet sound of her voice brought him out of his daydreams in time to see her running towards him, her long curly brown hair bouncing with each step she took. Bright blue eyes so different from his lavender hued ones cried out joyously at him as she approached. Lelouch stood holding out his arms in time to catch her as she ran into him laughing all the while. Her laughter was infectious and he found himself laughing as he held her tightly to him._

_ "What's got you so excited all of a sudden?" He asked as she pulled back to look up at him._

_ "Look at what I made!" She held up the ring of bright yellow and pink flowers for him to see her face beaming with pride._

_ "It's very pretty Nunna-chan!"_

_ "I made it for you brother!" She smiled holding it up for him._

_ . . . ._

Something cold touched his face and Lelouch found himself waking slowly from his dream wary of its short-lived happiness. Had he known that Refrain lasted so short he would have taken more from those stupid men. He hadn't been thinking clearly when he'd stumbled upon the gang, he'd felt a pleasant numbness he'd wanted to end—those men had the means to that end so he'd simply stopped thinking. _I hate this_. The thought sank into his mind like a thick cloud threatening to overtake him. Slowly he pushed himself up feeling a sense of longing pulse through his body as it ached for the escape Refrain could provide. How foolish he'd been to condemn such a wondrous drug in the beginning. How much better life felt while the drug coursed through his veins, and how much more he needed it once it was all gone.

Lelouch heaved a sigh as he glanced around, only partially surprised to find himself lying in his own bed and not in some random place. Much of the other night he couldn't remember, the dream had felt so real—or was he already dreaming? Waiting for Refrain to wake him from the nightmare. He knew without looking that the moment he step out of bed the world would return to its normal pace. He would still have enemies, friends who were enemies, a sister who sided with those enemies and worst of all . . . he was still utterly and entirely _alone_.

Suzaku rubbed the sleep from his eyes while checking the once again empty seat in front of him, how many days did that make? Since Nunnally's speech as the new Governor of Area 11 nothing had happened, literally. The Rebels were still hiding, Zero had supposedly disappeared and most suspicious of all Lelouch had stopped attending classes. The boy posing as Lelouch's 'brother' claimed that Lelouch wasn't feeling well but how much of that did Suzaku really trust? A part of him was relieved that nothing had happened recently, it was almost peaceful and he could almost believe that he was just another student. The bell rung and the class slowly emptied, Suzaku was the last to climb to his feet he moved slowly towards the door.

"What's he been doing lately?"

The teacher, a slender woman with long silver hair and deep brown-gold eyes looked at him her eyes took on a dull tone as it normally did whenever they spoke. She was Villetta Nu, former elite Knightmare pilot of the Britannia Army now posing as a teacher in Ashford Academy. Her new assignment was a far cry from the rank she desired so badly but it was one born of nessesity to which she had willingly accepted. The act of guarding Britannia's greatest enemy, even if she was suspected of having failed she still carried her orders out to the letter. As far as Suzaku knew that was the truth but he knew of Lelouch's cunning, his manipulative nature and couldn't help but wonder just how tight the security around his former friend really was at the moment. With the resurgence of Zero, Suzaku had been ordered back to Area 11 to oversee the transition of the new Governor, Nunnally. He'd done so successfully but he still had no idea of who this recent Zero really was—_could_ it be Lelouch?

"He's still in his room, where's he's been since the appointing of the new Governor to Area 11." Villetta replied folding her arms across her chest, "I've seen him leave the room but he's been missing classes and he doesn't attend any of the games he used to. Rolo also mentioned that he never leaves his room for longer than a few minutes a day and that only to eat. Even when he is seen there's not much to report."

"Do you know if he's in his room right now?" Suzaku asked quietly.

"Yes, he should be."

"Thank you then." Suzaku walked out of the classroom without another word. Students still packed the hallways as he made his way through it, some gave way at the sight of him others just watched a mixture of awe and hatred etched into their eyes. He was used to the second and growing immune to the first both of them he blocked out without much pause. The walk to the clubhouse wasn't long but it gave him a lot to think about as he crossed the courtyard. He was only a little surprised to see Shirley stepping out of the clubhouse a frustrated look on her normally cheerful face.

"Hi Shirley—what's wrong?" Suzaku waved a smile spreading across his face despite himself.

Shirley jumped at the sound of his voice then relaxed when she noticed it was him, "Oh, Suzaku hi. It's—," She glanced behind her at the closed door and shook her head, "It's nothing just—_nothing_." She clinched her fists to her sides and stormed away after yelling the last word leaving Suzaku staring at her as she stormed past.

He watched her leave with a slight twang of guilt in his gut; every time he saw his friends it was with a mixture of guilt and happiness—guilt that he had allowed their memories of the past to be rewritten and happiness that they were still alive. So many things could have gone wrong that day one year ago . . . so many terrible things _had_ gone wrong on that fateful day. He shook his head cooling that familiar anger that threatened to bubble towards the top as he turned and continued on his way.

The door swung open before he could so much as knock, Lelouch stood leaning against the doorway his arms folded across his chest. Suzaku blinked at Lelouch's appearance, already a slender person to begin with Lelouch looked if anything even _more_ thin than usual. His eyes looked swollen and puffy as if he hadn't slept in days the usual nonchalant demeanor that was Lelouch was gone in its place was something else—something Suzaku couldn't quite lay his finger on at the moment. Lelouch wore a wrinkled long sleeve shirt Suzaku had never seen before and a pair of casual dark blue jeans. His usually well groomed if somewhat wild hair was even less tamed than usual covering one side of his face. He looked—a _mess_ to be honest.

"Are you here to lecture me as well, Su-za-ku?"

The way Lelouch spoke his name; one syllable at a time jarred him slightly as he walked up the steps to stand in front of his one time friend. There was a note of condescension in Lelouch's tone that made Suzaku pause for one moment. Was this really his friend standing before him in such an uncaring manner?

"I've already heard from Milly, Rivalz, _and_ Shirley . . . what more could you possibly say to me?" The cold tone was nothing like how he'd expected this to go; Suzaku stared unable to take his eyes off how horrible Lelouch looked at that moment. Lelouch scoffed straightening as he took a step back taking hold of the door as if to close it. Without thinking Suzaku took a step forward following Lelouch in not giving him the chance to close the door as he had so obviously done to the others.

Lelouch shrugged giving way to Suzaku as he closed the door behind them; shoving his hands into his pockets he started walking. Still somewhat in shock, Suzaku hadn't expected such a thing though in all honesty he didn't know _what_ he'd expected to find when he got here. He certainly hadn't expected to see Lelouch looking like—Suzaku looked once more at his friend and held back his urge to sympathize with this man. No, this man did not deserve the friends he had, the life he'd led Suzaku could _not_ sympathize with this man not after all he'd done.

"Why haven't you been coming to class?" Suzaku asked as he followed behind Lelouch.

"What do you care?" Lelouch's voice was hard as he continued on his way.

"Lelouch," He reached out and grabbed hold of Lelouch's shoulder the slight touch told him what the loose fitting shirt did not. Lelouch twisted, knocking his hand from the thin bony shoulder. Suzaku's eyes turned hard, "When was the last time you ate?"

Lelouch scoffed as he turned and kept walking, after a moment Suzaku followed this time because he was more than concerned. He reached Lelouch before he could open the door to his room.

"_Lelouch_, what the hell's _wrong_ with you?!"

As if Milly, Rivalz and Shirley weren't problem enough, Lelouch was loathed to see the man who had helped take everything away from him standing before him with such a concerned look on his face. _Concern? You have the balls to be fucking _concerned_ about me now?! You damned fucking hypocrite!_ The thought angered him but his body showed none of that—his body didn't feel much of anything anymore, it was blissful—the feeling itself was enough to draw him back. He just didn't care anymore—the rebels, Zero, his life as it was not . . . most of all he didn't care about Nunnally anymore. The feeling was liberating, intoxicating and delightful in so many ways he couldn't stop it. A laugh burst from his lips, an emotionless laugh that rattled to the pit of his chest to where his heart had once been.

"You want to act like you care? Fine, I'll show you what I've been doing." Lelouch pushed the door to his room open and gestured for Suzaku to enter. When he didn't, that look of suspicion once again replacing his concern for a friend—those _damned_ eyes he hated the sight of them, was sick to death of them. Lelouch stepped into his room and turned to see Suzaku standing there, "If you're not going to come in then can't you at least close the damned door, the last thing I need is for Rolo to show up the way he does."

Suzaku stepped inside shutting and locking the door behind him, it seemed he was more concerned than suspicious. Lelouch hid the urge to smile, if he'd been so inclined he could easily kill Suzaku—what would one more death matter? He pushed the thought aside moving towards his dresser, with his back to Suzaku he pulled open one of the top drawers and shuffled through the countless dress socks that littered it. He wasn't sure if the socks were clean or not, he hadn't bothered checking since the last time. Finally his hand wrapped around what he was looking for and a smile spread across his lips as he turned to see Suzaku watching him warily.

Lelouch turned holding up a small syringe gun already loaded and ready to be used. The look on Suzaku's eyes gave him only a slight moment of pause but the tantalizing end to this dream called to him much faster than his one time friend. The cool liquid pulsed through his veins, he no longer even felt the needle as it pushed through skin.


	2. Chapter 2

Shock

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them

—

_It was enough wasn't it_?

Suzaku stared hard at the form curled before him sleeping peacefully as if nothing in the world could bother him. He'd carried him to the bed, surprised at how light Lelouch felt in his arms almost weightless. Lelouch's breath came soft and easy a deep peaceful sound that hovered in the air between them. _It was enough it had to be_. Suzaku shook himself cradling his head in his hands as he struggled to wrap his mind around what was happening. _He took Refrain_. His eyes strayed towards the syringe lying where it had fallen on the floor. _He's using an illegal drug_. This isn't supposed to be happening, Lelouch should have been watched carefully to ensure he didn't do something like this. _On the other hand_ . . . Suzaku's gaze returned towards Lelouch, _on the other hand if Lelouch really _were_ Zero_ . . .. Suzaku let out a frustrated sigh running his fingers through his hair. _Damn it Lelouch, what in the hell were you thinking_?

"First Euphie and now you're going to sacrifice Nunnally's happiness as well? Does your selfishness know no bounds?" Suzaku whispered under his breath.

"That depends on what you see as 'selfish'."

His head jerked up at the sound of Lelouch's voice to find a pair of deep purple-hued eyes staring coolly back at him. Suzaku's eyes narrowed as he regained his composure watching Lelouch sit upright in the bed rubbing at his forehead. Lelouch's eyes scanned the room taking stock of the mess and the dim light coming in through the windows.

"You're _still_ here?" Lelouch's voice sounded almost bored as he pulled one leg up wrapping his arms around it as he rested his chin on his knee letting his eyelids slide shut.

"Lelouch, that name—," Suzaku balked at the icy stare Lelouch showed him. There was something different about Lelouch—something he couldn't quite place his finger on. It made his heart pulse in an almost painful way. As if he were losing Euphie all over again.

"Why are you still here?" Lelouch whispered ignoring Suzaku's obvious question.

"I can't be concerned for a friend?"

Lelouch chuckled at the word 'friend' a cruel twisted sound that cut through Suzaku like a knife. The dark gaze Lelouch leveled at him set his back straight at the sight of it. Lelouch leaned forward until he was looking Suzaku straight in the eyes. Again Suzaku felt it, a strange shiver that pulsed through him until he was certain that this wasn't Lelouch he was speaking to.

"'Friend'? Is that _really_ what I am to you Su-za-ku?"

Suzaku stood taking a step back in order to distance himself from Lelouch, it was dangerous—what he was doing was dangerous. Lelouch was an enemy, more than any enemy he was the man who had betrayed him. _Who betrayed whom_? Suzaku pushed the annoying thought out of his head trying to steady himself in the idea that Lelouch was and still is the enemy. _He betrayed Euphie, he _killed_ her_. The thought set ice pulsing through the heat in his veins.

"Glad to see you agree." Lelouch chuckled seeing the change in Suzaku's posture and reading it the way he would the pieces on a chessboard, "Get out." He waved his hand as he sat back laying one arm on his knee as he looked away.

Suzaku fumed at the obvious dismissal his fists clinching at his side. _Damn you_. He moved without realizing what he was doing grabbing hold of Lelouch he easily pinned him back against the bed. It was easy, Lelouch had always been weaker than he even in their childhood and time hadn't changed that. _People trusted you; they trusted you to lead them and you'd leave them to die_. The thought angered him as he raised his fist striking against that calm face leaving a bright red mark against pale smooth skin.

Lelouch's head pulsed painfully as Suzaku hovered above him, eyes hidden beneath shadows, breath coming out in ragged gasps. His jaw hurt from where Suzaku had hit him but the pain was dulled into something that felt almost surreal. He almost felt like smiling, did Suzaku really think he cared a wit about what happened anymore? With or without Refrain, he wouldn't care—he could easily cast a Geass on himself to keep the effects of Refrain pulsing through him. It was easy, it was simple and it was the only light left for him. He didn't care about the Rebels, the Black Knights, Nunnally, his mother, Rolo or his present self for that matter. What did it matter if everything could be taken away from him? All of it was a lie written for him by Geass and enforced by the man sitting on top of him. For Suzaku to think that Lelouch was being selfish? That was Suzaku's problem not his, let the bastard think what he would it didn't matter, this world was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Perhaps this way Suzaku could get a better look at Lelouch and see just how little he cared. _This is what you wanted_. The thought pulsed through him clearing the pain from his jaw.

"_Damn you_." The words whispered past Lelouch's ears as he stared up at Suzaku.

"You're heavy, get off." Lelouch replied watching Suzaku with calm eyes.

The words shook Suzaku to the core as he leaned back letting go of Lelouch but not moving from where he sat straddling the thinner boy. He stared at Lelouch unable to see his friend, the friend he had grown up with, the friend—he had betrayed to save the world. Lelouch stared at him there was nothing left in his eyes that remained of the man he'd called friend. _This is what you wanted_.

"You're heavy." Lelouch repeated with a sigh.

"Lelouch—,"

"Get—off." It wasn't an order, a suggestion, it was just words something Lelouch wanted to say at the moment. It didn't matter to him either way if Suzaku moved or not, it was just words that had to be spoken.

"Is that how it is?" Suzaku ground the words past his teeth but he didn't move staring down at Lelouch seeking answers.

Lelouch sighed, how much longer was he going to have to deal with Suzaku and the others? What did it take to chase them away? To show them that he didn't care anymore, life was so much easier for him since he'd stopped caring about all of them. If he'd been like this in the beginning he could have prevented—Lelouch stopped the thought before it could complete itself, it didn't matter anymore.

"What are you talking about," A smirk spread across his lips, "Isn't this what you wanted? You wanted this—admit it Su-za-ku, this is how you wanted things to end. I'm merely giving you what you wanted all this time."

The words took Suzaku off balance his mouth gaping open in denial—this certainly was _not_ what he'd wanted!

"Don't make this about _me_. You chose to take that damn drug, you—,"

"Don't care what you have to say anymore." Lelouch cut in pushing up as hard as he could in an effort to dislodge Suzaku. Suzaku proved to be heavier than him and much stronger to boot. Lelouch sighed again it was beginning to become a habit. When had he ever thought these troublesome people to be _friends_ they were more of a nuisance than anything else.

"What about Kallen? Do you even care about what happens to her?" Suzaku spat the words out furious at the Lelouch's calm demeanor he wanted nothing more than to hit the other boy until—. Suzaku stopped the thought there, until _what_? _Until the old Lelouch came back_? _Until Zero resurfaced if he hadn't already_?

"Why should I? It has nothing to do with me. Kallen's a big girl now she can take care of herself."

The words made Suzaku freeze as he stared down at Lelouch, again he found himself feeling as if he were meeting Lelouch for the first time in his life. The calm demeanor was more than just a facade—it was real and that thought scared the hell out of him. Without thinking Suzaku grabbed Lelouch by the collar pulling him up enough so that their eyes could meet. It sent a shard of pain lancing through his chest to see the look in Lelouch's eyes to know that it was real this time. _This time_? The thought was an odd one and he quickly tossed it aside. He wanted to see anger, shame, guilt, and remorse. _Anything _but the look Lelouch was giving him at that moment. Even if that look were shock.

Lelouch blinked as Suzaku's lips closed around his bringing his arms up to try and push Suzaku off but the other boy had a stronger grip wrapping his free arm around Lelouch's waist to pull him closer. This wasn't happening, the feel of Suzaku's heart beating against Lelouch's fingertips startled him. It was a steady pulse, a swift beating that made his own heart race in response. The sensation of Suzaku's lips against his own made his head reel between disbelief, shock and—pleasure? Lelouch pulled back trying to break the kiss but Suzaku's lips followed molding against Lelouch's as if they were the perfect fit.

Lelouch struggled to break free as a tide of emotion washed over him pulsing through the ice he'd left to settle against his veins until they reached his heart. _He's good at this_. The thought surprised him as his struggles lessened his arms falling limp against Suzaku's chest. He was content to let the other man lead, content to let Suzaku continue kissing him despite the initial shock. _He did this with Euphie_. The thought rocked through him enough to spur a renewed determination to knock Suzaku off of him.

_Smack_!

Suzaku reeled backwards from the full-faced slap Lelouch had delivered against the side of his head bells ringing in his ears. Sitting back his eyes watering from the surprising blow he barely registered Lelouch climbing to his feet and moving away. _What had he just done_? His mind felt jumbled as if nothing made sense anymore. Lelouch—Suzaku looked over at him as the pieces of his mind settled back into place, he'd _kissed_ Lelouch. Far from shock the look on Lelouch's face was one of pure rage. The pale skin flushed a brilliant and stunning shade of red that captivated Suzaku's attention.

"Get—Out." This time the words were far from calm, Lelouch's voice shook as he spoke his breath came out uneven.

"Lelouch—,"

"GET OUT!" Anger rattled through the air as if it were a tangible thing settling in the space that divided the two of them. Suzaku moved as if half awake shutting the door quietly behind him, he leaned back against the hard wooden surface one hand reaching up to touch his lips. Lelouch's lips had felt surprisingly soft against his and—once he'd stopped fighting—they had molded to his own as if the two were made for each other. _He can't be trusted_! Suzaku pushed his fingers through his hair at the thought; he already knew that Lelouch couldn't be trusted. He knew all that and still—still he'd felt the urge to seal away that calm demeanor that Refrain had given to him.

As the door closed behind Suzaku, Lelouch felt his legs give way beneath him as he slumped to the floor unable to stand for much longer. His eyes darted across the room searching the floor until he found it. His relief, his escape, shaking fingers tightened around the base of the syringe gun as he riffled through his dresser seeking a new vial. He needed to get away, needed to forget the feel of Suzaku's lips against his own and the building desire to give into the pressure those lips demanded. His search for a new vial of Refrain was easy, the familiar motions of reloading the gun settling the frayed nerves left in the wake of Suzaku's kiss. The gun hissed as it sped cool liquid relief through his veins; Lelouch leaned back letting the drug take him as far away as possible unwilling to recall the sensation pulsing further south.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them

—

The sound of voices drawing closer caught his attention as he slipped his arm into the jacket of his uniform pausing long enough to straighten the collar as he buttoned it. He pulled the door open as the voices stopped in front of it. Rolo stood with his back to the door as if he might stop Suzaku from going any further than he'd already come. Suzaku straightened at the sight of Lelouch his sour appearance appearing to sour even more. Lelouch almost smiled at the sight of it–_almost_.

"He's still sick—," Rolo stopped in the middle of his excuse long enough to notice Lelouch standing behind him, "Brother! A–are you feeling well today?"

"I'm feeling just fine, I'm sorry if I worried you." Lelouch smiled as he touched the top of Rolo's head ruffling the brown locks almost affectionately. He could still do this much at least, already the Refrain pulsed through his veins making things feel easier than normal.

"N-no, as long as you're feeling well-," Rolo flushed as he looked away from Lelouch back at Suzaku.

Suzaku folded his arms across his chest as he stared at Lelouch, sizing him up and down as if looking for traces of the Lelouch he'd seen the night before. _Look all you want_. Lelouch smiled as he looked back at Suzaku. The small dose of Refrain was not enough to send him reeling as the previous doses had but it was enough to handle the day-to-day tediousness that had become his life. _This is what you wanted_. His chest ached at the thought as if his heart were trying to reassert itself in the hole where it had once been. _I don't need it_. He could throw away his heart, half of it had been taken from him already so what use did he have with what was left of it? _It would have been easier if I'd never met them_. An image of his friends flashed through his mind and he quickly pushed it aside. _It would be easier if I'd never met him_. Suzaku watched him closely.

"Suzaku, sorry about yesterday I was out of sorts because of the fever but I'm certain that I'm feeling much better today," Lelouch smiled holding out his hand towards Suzaku, "I'll apologize to the others as well when I see them. Though I am surprised to see you here."

Suzaku stared at Lelouch's hand for a second but refused to take it as he looked away, "I promised Prez that I'd take you to class—_Handcuffed_ if I have to." He replied using the nickname they all called Milly.

"I wouldn't want you to _handcuff_ me just to make sure I go to class," Lelouch left the rest unsaid as he closed to door behind him, "As you can see I was heading to class either way. Since you're here I guess I wouldn't mind going to class together. Rolo why don't you go get your bag and meet us out front, we'll be late if we don't hurry." Lelouch replied easily.

"Uh . . . sure, brother." Rolo replied turning on his heel as he rushed back towards his room. Lelouch watched Rolo's fast retreating back shaking his head slightly at the sight.

"He'd forget his head if it weren't screwed on." Lelouch replied looking back at Suzaku as Rolo disappeared down the corridor.

"What are you playing at?" Suzaku fumed.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean." Lelouch replied as he took a step past Suzaku, "I guess we should wait outside–"

Suzaku's arm caught hold of his pulling him back as he pushed Lelouch against the wall, "What are you playing at Lelouch? Do you think this is some kind of _game_?"

Lelouch's eyes narrowed at the words as he lowered his head shaking free of Suzaku's grip, "If this were a game I think I'd be losing wouldn't you? Don't look so sour-faced Su-za-ku. This is what you wanted isn't it," A smile spread across his face as he leaned close, "You wanted things to be more like this–isn't _that_ why you left? The truth is you wish you'd never met me don't you? You wish _I_ were dead instead of Euphie don't you?"

Suzaku took a step back at the words, "That–that's _not_ true! You're my friend–"

"Friends?" Ice pulsed through his veins as he stared back at Suzaku, "Is that why you kissed me yesterday, because we're 'friends'?" Lelouch scoffed as he pushed off the wall and turned from Suzaku, "If you were really my 'friend' you should have killed me."

Suzaku listened to Lelouch's retreating footsteps his hands clinched at his sides. _Yes, maybe I should have–but I'd never have been able to face her again if I had_.

"You're-you can't be serious Lelouch!" Milly fumed crushing of the paper in her hands as if she could wring blood out of it, "I won't accept your resignation!"

The room grew quite at her outburst, Shirley and Rivalz stopped in their work to stare up at Lelouch and Milly standing at the end of the table. Their whispered conversation had gone on for a few minutes after the end of classes and the two were just dying to hear what was going on. Shirley was the first to stand at the word 'resignation' but she kept silent the memory of yesterday still fresh in her mind. Only the four of them stood in the student council room but even then it felt crowded.

"It doesn't matter if you accept it or not, I've already spoken with a suitable replacement and he's willing to take my place." Lelouch sighed running his fingers through his hair. _Of course they'd make things difficult, people complicate things_.

"But–but _why_? Tell me _why_ are you doing this?" Milly slammed her palms against the table, "If you don't give me a good enough reason I won't accept your resignation."

"No reason, I just don't feel like doing it anymore." Lelouch replied.

"That's not good enough! Tell me why you've been avoiding all of us!" Milly shouted.

"Milly, please keep it down you're making a scene." Lelouch answered calmly as if nothing were the matter.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Milly's temper raged as she slapped Lelouch across the face the sound of it echoing in the silence. Rivalz and Shirley both flinched at the sound neither moved to stop Milly, nor did they speak up to stop the two. Lelouch took a step back at the force but didn't seem surprised at the action.

"If you really want to know why I'm resigning, it's because I can't stand being near any of you." Lelouch's cold words flowed easily pass his lips as he straightened, "I can't stand the sight of any of you, you're all nothing but an annoyance, irritating, loud, and petty. I can honestly say I wish I'd never met any of you to begin with, the headache alone was painful to endure. Everyday, in and out I had to deal with your incompetence, selfishness, and stupidity. So it's only natural that I grow tired of pretending to get along with everyone."

The silence dragged on as they stared at him mixed emotions racing through their faces as if they were all expecting Lelouch to smile and tell them he was joking. Instead he took a step forward and Milly moved back holding her arms in front of her as if to shield herself from his words. _It's easy_.

"Does _that_ reason satisfy you?" Lelouch smiled slightly as he stepped past Milly and walked out of the room without looking back. _It's easy, shut out the heart and everything else falls around it_. He would cut all his ties to this pathetic world, destroy the strings that held him to this false life until nothing remained to remind him of all he'd lost. He would close the door to those emotions and secure all of it behind a wall of stone so that he would never have to deal with it ever again.

"I suppose you're angry with me as well?" Lelouch turned his head to see Suzaku standing with his back against the wall arms crossed over his chest his face a mask of silence. Most likely he'd heard every word of what Lelouch had said.

"Is that really how you plan to end things? Do you really think this will solve all your problems? What about Rolo? Do you plan to push everyone away?"

"You're one to talk." Lelouch replied shaking his head as he turned and walked away, "I'd have thought of all people you would have been the most satisfied to hear those words."

"Did you even _think_ about their feelings?" Suzaku followed him his eyes blazing angrily back at Lelouch.

_What do you care_? Lelouch kept walking ignoring Suzaku's presence as best he could even when Suzaku followed him back home Lelouch continued to ignore the other boy. It was easier when Suzaku didn't talk so much. He paused at the front door and turned to stare at Suzaku one hand on his hip.

"How far do you intend to follow me? You're annoying." Lelouch replied coldly.

Suzaku glared back at him, "Why are you doing this? Are you really _that_ heartless? Do you intend to blame me for this? I didn't put the Refrain in your hands! I didn't tell you to take it! Everything was your choice! You could have chosen to stop the bloodshed! You could have chosen to take Euphie's hand! You could have TRUSTED in me!"

Lelouch turned away and pulled the door open, "I did trust you. In fact you were the only person I've ever really trusted. The only friend I've ever had, which is why you should have killed me when you had the chance. If it were by your hands I wouldn't mind dying." He shut the door behind him and pushed the lock home before moving up the steps towards his room.

_Yes, I trusted you with all my heart and soul–I trusted that you would kill me_.

Suzaku stared at the ground beneath his feet, he could walk away right now–forget everything he'd heard and walk away. It would be easy, it _should_ be easy. _So, why_? Suzaku looked up at the double doors behind which Lelouch had disappeared. _Why can't I turn my back on you even after all you've done_? Lelouch's words rang through his chest, _which is why you should have killed me when you had the chance_. _What kind of crap was that supposed to mean_? Suzaku fumed as he moved up the steps looking around for a moment before remembering that Lelouch had locked the door. _There're other ways_. His memory recalled a rose bush growing along the side of the house and how he'd always used it before in order to get inside before. The roses, they were Nunnally's favorite and that was why Lelouch had them planted. _I won't let you forget everything, I made a promise–I promised Nunnally that I would protect you no matter what_. It felt like an empty promise, one that he'd never managed to keep so far as he could remember.

The sound of leaves rustling outside his window echoed in the back of his mind as he stared up at the ceiling, seeing but not seeing it. His eyes threatened to slide close and Lelouch shook his head, he didn't want to fall asleep just yet. Focusing on the ceiling was proving to be more difficult than he'd thought it would be. Staring at anything for too long was proving to be near impossible, his body craved sleep after the long day he'd been through, his mind begged for Refrain as clearly as his body desired sleep. How long could he hold out? It was becoming a game between him, his body and his mind. Who would give in first? Last night it had been the Refrain that had given him the rest he so deeply needed, but what of tonight? Something tapped against the sliding window but he hardly heard it his eyes focused on the ceiling at last. A cold breeze drifted in and he wondered at the feel of it against him. _When had he left the window open_? Arms wrapped themselves around him lifting him off the bed breaking his gaze with the ceiling as they shook him. _What do you want_? Lelouch turned his head to stare into Suzaku's deep worried gaze. _Why are you here_? Had he taken the Refrain without realizing it? Lelouch sighed as he pressed himself against Suzaku's body. He didn't care anymore all he wanted was to curl up in this warmth and fall asleep.

Suzaku blinked as Lelouch curled into his arms, lavender hued eyes sliding close as his breath came slow and easy. _Wait a minute –is he _asleep? Looking in from the open window Suzaku had thought Lelouch was lying half-dead in the bed unmoving. He sat on the edge of the bed holding Lelouch's sleeping form in his arms wondering what on earth he should do now. Climbing the rose bush hadn't been easy, the thorns had scratched at his hands every inch of the way and to find the window unlocked had been a surprise. Although normally that was how Lelouch had always left it in the past it was still alarming to find he continued with such a habit. _You idiot_.


	4. Chapter 4

Forgiveness

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them.

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_"Nunnally . . . Nunnally where'd you go?"_

_ His voice echoed through the halls as he raced from door to door calling out her name. The sound of her giggling egged him on in his search for her. It was almost as if he could reach out and touch her if he only knew where she was hiding._

_ "Nunnally . . . Nunnally . . .."_

". . . ally . . .."

He sat listening to the scattered whispers that slipped past Lelouch's lips each word felt like a nail being buried deeper into his chest. He shook his head he couldn't dwell on 'ifs' anymore, the path he'd laid before him could only be achieved if everything was set to rights. He had already gone too far down this path, had already pondered and worked out the 'ifs' in his head. He could never turn back, not even if he wanted to–not if he wished to achieve his goal. If he hesitated now then everything he'd done, the lives he'd ruined along the way—all of it would have been in vain. His lies would have been for nothing. Beside him Lelouch moved shifting onto his side as he curled up against Suzaku's back.

_Damn it_. Suzaku bit at his lip as he moved slowly climbing out of the bed as quietly as he could. He ran his fingers through his hair, as he stood moving towards the window trying to gather his thoughts. Yesterday—had been a mistake, his emotions had gotten in the way of his goals once more. That feeling of friendship he had once shared with Lelouch had become more burdensome the longer he saw the other. If Lelouch had his memories again then that would mean that he had once again taken up the mantle of Zero. He had become Suzaku's enemy only this time–Suzaku paused turning around to stare at Lelouch's sleeping form and shook his head. _No_, he could not be swayed a second time around; he could not trust the man lying peacefully in that bed. That man had caused the death of many people, had betrayed his trust and the trust of those who believed in him. Worst of all–Lelouch had killed Euphie, had cast her purity into a bloody massacre.

_He's my enemy, the enemy of the Empire and Euphie_. Suzaku clenched his fists resisting the urge to hit the wall in frustration. Regardless of all that–regardless of how he felt, Suzaku did not know if he could do it a second time. Did not know if his honor would stand betraying his friend a second time around. _Damn it_. Tears of frustration threatened to overflow as he stared into the shadows.

"Suzaku?"

A plaintive whisper echoed behind him and he turned at the sound of it to see a pair of shaded lavender eyes staring back at him. The look of bewilderment and loss in Lelouch's eyes made his heart ache at the sight as if Lelouch could no longer discern the here and now from what Refrain showed him. Lelouch looked away turning to stare around his room as if seeing it for the first time.

"Where's Nunna-chan? Is she okay?"

Lelouch tried to get up placing his feet against the carpeted floor but his legs seemed unwilling to move and he fell to his knees. Wincing, Suzaku moved to help Lelouch to his feet holding the other upright when it seemed he couldn't do so on his own. Lelouch swayed slightly in Suzaku's arms still twisting his head in every direction as if trying to figure out where he was and what he was doing there.

"Nunna-chan's okay Lelouch, you need to get back in bed." Suzaku replied quietly.

Lelouch shook his head still looking around he tried to take a step away from Suzaku and nearly fell a second time, "I promised to take care of her, that I wouldn't leave her alone. I have to find her . . . she's all I have, all I have left."

Suzaku forced Lelouch back in bed making him sit and holding him there with one hand, "Don't worry, I promise I'll take care of her. I promise nothing will happen to her."

A slight smile lit Lelouch's face as he reached up a hand towards Suzaku's face, the pale fingers touched against Suzaku's cheek felt surprisingly hot. Suzaku jerked back at the touch putting one hand against Lelouch's forehead. A soft curse slipped past his lips as he reached behind Lelouch to throw back the sheets. The sound of glass shattering against the hard floor made him cringe as he turned his gaze towards Lelouch's heated skin.

Ice-cold water sprayed against Lelouch's face jarring him back from the pleasant sound of Nunnally's voice echoing through the emptiness inside his chest. He gasped struggling against the steel-like force holding him beneath the stream of ice falling down on him. The sound of something scratched against his ears as he fought scratching at whatever he could in his attempt to move out from beneath the water. It whispered pulling at his senses teasing them until he thought he could almost remember where it came from. Lelouch clamped his hands over his ears shutting his eyes against the stream of white blinding him. _No_!_ Go away, go away, go away, goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_. The words became a litany echoing in his head as if they alone could save him. Still the memories rushed forward like a wave breaking against the shoreline it was unstoppable.

"Lelouch, its okay!" Suzaku's voice echoed through the gaps in his fingers pressing against the surge of memory as if seeking its place in his world.

_Stop it_!_ Don't–don't . . ._.

"Don't take it away from me!" Lelouch's voice echoed off the walls like a dying man begging for food and water screaming for God to hear his pleas. Tears forced they way past the walls flooding the emptiness that had offered him so much comfort until he could no longer stand. He fell to his knees hands clamped tightly over his ears eyes tightly shut curled up as if he could avoid the battering memories threatening to overwhelm him.

"Don't . . .." Lelouch whispered his voice felt hoarse as if he hadn't used it so long, "Don't take it away from me . . . its all I have left . . . don't . . . don't . . .."

He wanted to forget, wanted to remember without the pain of _those_ memories without the guilt those memories brought with them. He wanted to stop lying to himself, to Nunnally . . . to Euphie. He wanted the flood of bloody tears to stop.

"Don't take it away . . . not again . . . I . . . I . . . I can't stand it . . .."

A hand touched his cooled shoulder and he flinched pulling in on himself willing himself to return to the emptiness and the sweet bliss of release that came with it. Hands wrapped themselves around him suddenly pulling him upright. Unwillingly his eyes opened to stare into a pair of deep familiar green as his face was brought up. Tears slipped down his face, merging with the ice-cold drops falling down on him from above.

"I'm sorry . . .."

Lelouch shook his head pushed at the arms that held him, he didn't want to remember that face. Didn't want to remember the pain he'd caused to that face.

"I'm sorry . . .."

Solid arms wrapped around him pulling him closer despite his will to run away whispering those words over and over again. _No, please no_. Lelouch pushed feebly against those arms as his heart beat painfully in his chest. _Stop . . . don't take it from me_. The arms held him as Suzaku's voice whispered against his ears. The words flooded inside him filling the empty parts until nothing was left for him to cling to. The past he struggled to cling to began to slip away from his grasp until all he wanted was to remain in that flooded state. To stare into those deep green eyes and remember . . ..


	5. Chapter 5

Perfect

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them

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A tired sigh slipped past his lips as he struggled to dry Lelouch's curled black hair breaking the uneasy silence between the two boys. _I've never seen it so long; they really are brother and sister_. Suzaku pushed the thought out of his mind as he concentrated on drying the unruly hair. Lelouch sat placidly enough, his head hidden beneath the dark blue towel as Suzaku worked to get him dry. He moved when Suzaku prompted him to, climbing slowly to his feet still without lifting his head. His clothes were soaked all the way through and it took Suzaku a while before he was able to peel them off Lelouch's body. He left the towel on Lelouch's head and wrapped a dry one around Lelouch's waist. Suzaku hung the dripping clothes over the edge of the bath before shaking out of his own wet clothes and doing the same. He stood there drying his hair as he stared back at the motionless boy standing before him. _I should go_. The thought pricked at the back of his mind Lelouch seemed to be doing better but still.

"You're a selfish bastard you know that?" Suzaku's voice echoed against the tiled bathroom walls, "What about Nunnally? Do you even _care_ about how much she's suffering right now?"

"What do you want me to tell you?" Lelouch's voice sounded drained of emotion, dead and uncaring it angered Suzaku more than before.

"You've spent your whole life lying to people, so why change now?" It was a bitter truth but the truth nonetheless.

Lelouch pulled the towel from his head and stared at it before he tossed the thing to the ground and walked out of the bathroom. He wasn't surprised to hear Suzaku following him and he stopped just a few steps from his room. _I don't want this_. The dark empty hallway stretched out before him and more memories pressed in around him. What had Rolo said? _You have a right to be happy_. Those words had been a comfort, a safety net in the uncertainty of a crumbling world. If not for C.C and the rebels he would have lived out the remainder of his life without the pain of losing his past.

"Nunnally has her happiness, you're changing the world just like you wanted . . ." Lelouch turned to stare back at Suzaku, "Everyone has moved on, you made certain of that . . . but you came back."

"I came back to make sure my friends were safe." Suzaku replied calmly.

"Liar, you came back to Japan to kill Zero." Lelouch took a step forward holding out his arms, "Well then . . . don't miss your chance Lord Kururugi."

"Are you telling me to kill you?" Suzaku's face was a mask of cold; the sound of his words sent a chill running along the base of his spine.

"Why not? You already hate me, killing me shouldn't be a problem. Or would you rather drag me back to the Emperor? I'm certain capturing Zero not once but twice should prove to be towards your advantage, right?" A cold smile spread across Lelouch's face, "No that's right the Emperor doesn't want Zero . . . he doesn't care about the rebels anymore than he cares about the people he kills."

Lelouch turned and pushed the door to his room open certain that Suzaku would follow regardless of how the other felt. The mess that had become his room seemed almost trivial as he riffled through a pile of unclean sheets until he found what he was looking for. The first was the gun he'd kept all these years, the second the phone he often used to contact the Black Knights. Suzaku tensed at the sight of the gun but Lelouch tossed it towards him and he caught it easily in his hand.

"If you want, you can kill me first then contact the Black Knights and instruct them to surrender. I'm certain you don't want Kallen to be hurt." Lelouch sighed staring at the phone for a moment before tossing it to the bed.

"Selfish to the end." Suzaku whispered, "If you die where does that leave Nunnally?"

"I neither know nor care, she's strong enough to survive without me if she has you to protect her." Lelouch answered casually. "You said it yourself didn't you? That day on the island . . . Nunnally and the whole world will be better off with me dead."

"What about Shirley and the others? Are they better off with you dead?"

Lelouch shook his head exasperated with the constant back and forth, "You want me dead but you don't want me dead?" He took a step towards Suzaku.

Suzaku raised the gun without even giving it a second thought aiming it at Lelouch almost as if guided by instinct. The smile on Lelouch's face spread but held none of the warmth of a year ago and Suzaku cursed under his breath forcing his hand back down.

"You would take the easy way out?" Suzaku snapped.

"Easy . . .? Was it easy when that soldier shot you for not killing me as he had ordered?"

The memory of that day sent a sharp shard of pain through his chest, had it begun then? Had their rivalry begun with that fatal gunshot? Suzaku shook his head that day had seen the birth of Zero and the beginning of the end for many things.

"I'm not forcing your hand this time Suzaku, but I don't care what you decide either. Just hurry up and decide before Rolo wakes up – I don't want him to get hurt." Lelouch blinked he was surprised at just how much he actually meant those words. The year he'd spent with Rolo was perhaps the most peaceful he'd ever had even if it was all just an illusion. Rolo had given him something that no one had ever offered him before – a chance at a normal life. Before his memories had returned, even with the frustration he'd felt over his meaningless existence – Rolo had become something more. In the end it had been Rolo who had offered him something he'd wanted but had never been able to obtain on his own – happiness. Happiness without Nunnally, without the burden of being Zero.

_What's wrong with wanting happiness? You will hurt no one_. Rolo's words repeated in his head as he felt his legs give way beneath him. He didn't care if the world ended or if it continued on its path without missing a beat . . . he just wanted to drown in those words.

Suzaku rushed forward to catch Lelouch's body before it could hit the ground. _This is becoming a bad habit Lelouch_. He grunted slightly though the weight of the other boy was anything but burdensome as he carefully laid Lelouch on the bed.

"You don't want to hurt that boy, but you're willing to throw away Nunnally's feelings." Suzaku ground his teeth together at the sound of his own words.

"That's not it."

The calm almost toneless words caught him off-guard as he turned to see Rolo standing in the doorway watching him. He'd forgotten that the boy lived with Lelouch, though he knew next to nothing about him except that he was assigned as Lelouch's guard. _A replacement for Nunnally_. Suzaku quelled the bitter feelings threatening to wash over him as he stared back at Rolo. Rolo moved closer to the bed his eyes on Lelouch's body as if Suzaku didn't even exist at that moment.

"Brother is tired, you should let him sleep Lord Kururugi."

"You're suppose to report any suspicious activity concerning Lelouch, why didn't you report that he'd regained his memories as Zero?" Suzaku frowned folding his arms across his chest. Rolo turned to look at him before casually ignoring Suzaku's presence as he set about covering Lelouch.

"Brother is brother, nothing has changed."

Suzaku ground his teeth together in frustration, "He has his memories back – if you knew then you should have reported it at once."

"He has a chance to return to the way he was, would you rather he take up the burden of being Zero?" Rolo moved to clear some of the mess out of the way as he spoke carefully removing the shards of glass from the floor as he did. "I won't let my brother die."

"You're the one getting him the Refrain."

Rolo turned to face him a cold look in his eyes, "Brother wants to be happy, what's wrong with wanting happiness?"


	6. Chapter 6

Determination

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them.

_Tick-tick-tick-tick_

The soft lull of the clock pulled at the edges of his consciousness, fluttering images of memory danced in and out of focus as he forced open one eye. The harsh morning sunlight was made soft by the thin curtains covering his windows. _It lies_. He shut his eye twisting away from the light in an attempt to bury himself further into the dark recesses of dream. He didn't want to wake anymore; reality was too harsh – too final. _What have I been doing_? He pushed the question aside willing the darkness to swallow him curling around it the way a drunk curled around that last glass of beer.

"How much further do you intend to fall?"

The angry tint in Suzaku's voice dragged him back from the edges of that blissful darkness. Lelouch groaned as he pushed himself upright rubbing at his eyelids in an attempt to keep from looking at the slender boy.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? The Black Knights are still out there," He sighed, finally turning his head to look at Suzaku, "Or are you here because you want Zero?"

Suzaku's lips thinned at the words, his brown eyes narrowing at the obvious taunt as he stood. Sometime in the night he must have dried off his clothes because he was wearing them, though if he'd managed to sleep Lelouch didn't know or care.

"If you're not here to take me in to be executed for starting a rebellion then I suggest you go after the Black Knights. I'm certain you've already discovered their position by now, or do you want Rolo to give you their coordinates? I'm certain he's been keeping tabs on them."

"You would betray their trust?" Suzaku bit out each word like a curse.

"Trust? Hmmmm . . . that's right, isn't that what I do – Suzaku? Betray people's trust and use them for my own selfish desires? I betrayed the world by killing Euphie, I betrayed Nunnally by being Zero . . . I betrayed Kallen, Milly, Rivalz, Shirley, everyone. Does it really matter anymore if I betray people I don't even know? People who risked their lives to bring Zero back? If you want the trust of those people why don't you become Zero?" Lelouch sighed rubbing at his temple, "I don't care anymore."

"I don't believe that!" Suzaku shouted as he moved to grab hold of Lelouch's shoulders shaking him roughly, "You care about Nunnally, about Shirley and the others!"

"I'm not even supposed to remember Nunnally." Lelouch replied calmly.

"You care about her, you still do!"

"And how wonderful would that reunion be?" Lelouch laughed bitterly at his words, "A brother that's not supposed to remember his little sister – his reason for living, and a girl who can't forget? Did you think that once you obtained all your goals that you'd be able to give Nunnally back her brother? Face it – you used Nunnally as much as my father is using me to get to C.C. It must be so hard for you to look at yourself in the mirror . . . knowing that you took everything away from her."

"Nunnally is innocent! Are you really willing to give her up so easily?"

"What I want doesn't matter in your world does it? You made that clear one year ago – so where is your determination now? Kill me or drag me to my execution, hurry up and make your choice already – I'm sick and tired of being blamed for every little thing that goes wrong."

Suzaku took a step back at those words staring down at Lelouch as if he'd never seen the boy before in his life. He opened his mouth but closed it just as quickly when he looked into those deadpan lavender eyes. If there had ever been a trace left of his old friend – if that smiling Lelouch even existed anymore it wasn't here. _Did I fail_? The bright happy memories of their friendship began to fade slipping through his fingers like water. Rolo's words from the night before haunted him. _No, he won't change_! A voice shouted at him from deep inside and the memory of Euphie's death played in his head. _She struggled to resist it the Geass Lelouch had cast on her; she could have lived if only he hadn't taken that from her_.

Lelouch blinked as Suzaku dropped his phone onto his lap staring at the thing as if he didn't know what it was. Suzaku's next words fell like lead against his ears.

"You're going to call the Black Knights, you're going to order them to disarm themselves and surrender to the Britannian Army." Suzaku took a deep breath, "You're going to surrender yourself and order the Black Knights to join in the reformation of Japan. I won't kill them, but if the Black Knights join it will make things easier for them. I promise that they won't suffer under Britannian rule."

Lelouch lifted the phone looking up at Suzaku for a moment before pressing in the code that connected him to the Black Knights. Did it really matter what happened?

She sat up rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she stared at her dark surroundings. C.C let a smile fall from her lips as she pulled her knees to her chest in an effort to suppress the sharp pain radiating from it. _Did you give up_? She didn't blame him, no – she was more than a little surprised that he'd lasted as long as he did. _Are you telling me to give up as well – Lelouch_? Something wet fell against her chilled skin and she quickly brushed the wetness away. She could feel his pain, an aged pain that seemed to radiate like a beacon in the darkness.

A soft tap on her door echoed in the emptiness of her room as the door squeaked open. Kallen peaked her head in a sad-angry look plastered on her face as she quickly stepped inside shutting the door behind her. C.C. blinked as Kallen flicked the lights on staring at the other girl waiting for what she already knew was coming.

"He called us, told us – told us to _surrender_! To those – those _Britannian's_! WHAT COULD HE BE THINKING? AFTER ALL WE DID FOR HIM?" Kallen slammed her fist against the wall wincing slightly as the sound echoed.

C.C stood in one graceful motion shaking her head as she turned away from Kallen, "What do you intend to do? Will you follow him or abandon him?"

"Ohgi and the others are meeting to decide if we should listen to him or not . . . they won't let me join." Kallen cursed. "They asked me what was going on since I'm the last one to see him." She bit her lower lip at the confession her cheeks turning bright red at the memory of it.

"And?" C.C. responded in a dull tone.

"Nothing happened, I – I left him there, nothing happened." She flushed at the words as C.C. moved towards the dresser pulling off the t-shirt she wore whenever she slept. "What – what are you doing?"

"Lelouch chose this path for himself, if he ordered the Black Knights to surrender then I guess that's all they really _can_ do." She sighed as she pulled on her clothes, "I don't care either way what the Black Knights decide, I have something I have to do and it doesn't involve them."

"Where do you intend to go?" Kallen asked her eyes narrowing slightly.

"If you really want to know," C.C turned her head as she spoke, "I'm on my way to kill Lelouch."

Lelouch stared at the phone for a moment longer before tossing it aside, "Anything else?"

"Why?" Suzaku's voice cracked around the word as he spoke and Lelouch looked up at the other boy not quite willing to understand the question.

"Isn't that what you wanted? If the Black Knights surrender Euphie and Nunnally's dream become a reality, and everything will be right with the world again."

"That's _not_ what I meant!" Suzaku shouted staring down at Lelouch.

Even as he heard Lelouch's words he knew that nothing had changed, nothing would _really_ change. He felt it in the way Lelouch stared back at him with those dead eyes, in the way Nunnally kept up a brave front despite all her insecurities. He felt it in the horrible sorrow that inked its way into his heart. _Nothing_ had changed. Those unblinking lavender eyes drilled into him with the chilling reminder that he could never give Nunnally back her happiness, that the Lelouch she desired was truly dead.

"Why? Why did it have to be you? How many more times must I kill Zero before he dies? How many more times do I have to watch my friend die before his sacrifice can be realized?" Suzaku shook his head as he felt tears roll down his cheek.

"Just one."


	7. Chapter 7

Hatred

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them!

**Author's Note** Sorry for the confusion I wrote the last story with another story in mind – in other words please ignore the previous posting as I'm currently juggling two or three stories in my head at once and am trying to write them all down...multi-tasking's got nothing on me ^_^!

"So . . . what do we do now, Su-za-ku?"

The sound of Lelouch's voice broke through the thoughts crowding their way inside his head. Images of his past – _their_ past flickered through his head as he glanced at the other boy still sitting hunched over on the edge of the bed. Pale hands splayed out against the dark sheets the tips of his fingers twitched just ever so slightly. If he looked really close, Suzaku could see just how close Lelouch was to falling over. _His body's starting to break_. The realization dawned on him with a bitter taste in the back of his throat. _He brought this on his self_! He argued against the sudden stab of pain at the sight of his friend. _Did he_? The soft voice echoed against the dark mood threatening to slowly engulf him.

Lelouch didn't see the look on Suzaku's face it took everything he could just to sit upright without moving. His head pulsed like crazy, the pounding hard enough to blur his vision making it that much more difficult to think. _Why even bother_? He wanted to sleep – no, it was more like he _needed_ to sleep. The late nights when he was capable of searching for the Refrain on his own had finally taken their toll. Going without the drug as long as he had certainly did not help matters. Things just felt that much clearer when the drug was there to offer its support to his rapidly disintegrating world. _What was I fighting for to begin with_? Did it really matter in the long run? Had it really been worth the pain and suffering he'd caused to others? No – the world was better off without him – without the power of his Geass to destroy what little hope there was left. This way he didn't _have_ to worry about others, didn't _have_ to plan strategies knowing that others would die for something as useless as a label.

_I wish the world were a kinder place_.

The memory of Nunnally's words echoed in his distant past, her softly smiling face gazing back at him through all the pain. _I've already lost_. He wanted to crush that memory, wanted to pretend it had never happened in the first place.

"Happiness is a lie . . . or else it never existed in the first place." Lelouch whispered as he finally relented to the tiring pulse radiating through his body. Slow he pushed himself upright, barely managing to stand as he worked his way back towards his dresser. "It's a lie . . . it's all just –," He managed a step before the world tilted so violently that it felt as if his feet had lost contact with the ground as he stumbled straight into Suzaku's arms. Lavender hued eyes stared up at Suzaku's face, "Please, don't . . ."

Lelouch reached a shaking hand up towards that face. _He was my first friend_. The image of their short childhood spent together flickered briefly in the back of his mind. _She was going to take it all away from me_. Memories shattered like fragile glass against stone. _I only had you – only you and Nunnally mattered but –_. The gunshot rang out against the cave walls ringing in his ears as his blood pulsed angrily through his veins. _Why couldn't I hate you_? _I hate the world – my father and everyone else_. If only his head would stop hurting maybe he could think straight, maybe he could make sense of what was happening. But – he didn't want to give it up, even if it was a lie – even if everything meant nothing again he didn't want to give up that small piece of happiness.

He tried to push Suzaku away, tried to move away from the past threatening to engulf him even as he reached out to it in blind desperation. Suzaku's arms wrapped themselves around the slender waist pulling Lelouch closer, one hand held onto Lelouch's head forcing him to keep it near Suzaku's shoulders. _Don't_. Lelouch pushed against Suzaku trying to pry himself loose but the other boy's grip was stronger and despite his struggles Suzaku held onto him. _Don't_.

"I took everything away from you . . .." Suzaku's voice rumbled against Lelouch's ear as he struggled to break free. "I hated you . . . I hated you so much for everything you did that day. For killing Euphie," His voice broke over the name but still he continued, "I wanted to kill you . . . I didn't want you to be Zero – anyone but you."

_He hates me_. Somehow that thought offered Lelouch some small comfort even as his struggles lessened.

"Kill me." The words slipped past his lips a whispered plea as his arms finally gave way falling useless at his sides, "Kill me."

The words shook Suzaku down to the core as hatred and compassion warred inside of him. _Kill him_! An angry voice roared inside crying out against the memory of blood. _In the end you would betray the whole world the way it's betrayed you_! The bitter words resonated inside of him as he held onto Lelouch. Hatred welled up inside of him shattering the memories of his past; of the happiness they'd shared as children. _If I could go back, if I could just go back to those days_. The image of Lelouch smiling at him made his heart ache, the memory of hatred etched deep into his mind broke the smile corrupting it to its core.

"Stop using your Geass . . . Lelouch, trust in me – trust that I can bring you back your happiness without Refrain." Suzaku whispered fighting against that hatred trying to bring back that smiling face. "Trust me . . . I'll prove to you that happiness – _true_ happiness isn't a lie. Our friendship, everyone – it's _not_ a lie!"

_It's _not_ a lie_! The words echoed somewhere in the darkness of her mind as she stared calmly at the gun Kallen pointed at her. She didn't even hear Kallen's voice as the other girl started shouting obscenities at her cursing C.C. for betraying them – for betraying Zero. She felt a brief moment of confusion followed by a feeling of warmth she'd never felt before. That small corner of her mind, that part of her which held onto her fading humanity resonated with that feeling. It was something she couldn't remember ever experiencing – not in all the centuries of her miserable life. _Love_ . . .. She tilted her head listening to that inner voice that sometimes spoke out to her through the dimness of centuries.

A small hint of a smile touched her lips as she closed her eyes feeling that warmth radiate and pulse from deep within her. _He really is the most unconventional contract_. She felt him slip away slowly over the past few days, felt his will draining away with each passing second. For one brief moment she'd felt as if his soul were slowly fading into that dark pit. The image of two small boys racing across a field of flowers resonated inside her as fresh as her memories ever could be. The smiles on their faces had warmed her on that day, their friendship as pure and untouched as a spring blossom with its face pointing towards the sky heedless of the weeds at its roots. She'd watched knowing that their world would end, knowing that in their innocence they could never see the pain stretching out just beyond that small hill.

If she had stopped them back then – if she had reached out her hands to pull those two back from the horror awaiting their breathless game could she have changed things? All the things they would witness, the hatred they would feel towards each other and the paths leading them apart. Could her arms have erased all of that? She no longer believed in a world without lies – no longer believed in anything but the smiling lavender hued eyes reaching towards her in innocence. _It's_ not_ a lie_. The conviction in those words pulled at her, daring her to believe in something beyond herself.

C.C. turned away from Kallen and walked back towards the bedroom stretching her arms above her as she spun back and fell softly to the bed. The confused look on Kallen's face reminded her that the girl was still pointing that gun at her. This time she let the smile on her face spread wide as she placed her chin in the palm of her hand.

"There's no need to be melodramatic, Kallen. I'll wait just like he ordered me to." C.C. replied in a dull tone.

He stood motionless in Suzaku's arms for a moment longer before his legs finally gave way beneath him. Only Suzaku's arms kept him upright as he stared up into Suzaku's face his head felt light – the throbbing gone as he looked into those light eyes. He watched as if paralyzed as Suzaku slowly lowered his head, his lips brushing against Lelouch's seeking permission. Lelouch felt softness give way beneath him as he was lowered back onto the bed, the soft whisper of air as their combined weight pressed against the mattress.

Lelouch let out a soft sigh just before Suzaku's lips closed around his drawing him even further into that weightless wonder. He wanted to drown in it – whatever it was. Suzaku's tongue caressed the inside of his mouth as he opened himself up to the strange exploration. _He's_ really_ good_. The thought brushed against his mind but faded into nothingness as Suzaku's hands roamed down his side gently caressing his chest for a brief moment. The world fell away around him at the touch and all he could remember was the sensation of being whole – and the feeling that he was no longer alone in that darkness.


	8. Chapter 8

Departed

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them.

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Sunlight and a warm breeze pulled him from the depths of sleep, he groaned burying his face deep into the pillow in a vain attempt to hold off the morning. Something warm stirred beside him at the movement and his body moved closer in response. An arm wrapped itself around his shoulder pulling him in as fingers ran through his hair. He sighed content not wanting the motion to end as he snuggled into that warmth. It felt good to lie there in those arms, to let his mind drift back towards slumber.

"Eventually," A soft voice brushed against his ear, "You're going to have to wake up, Lelouch."

He shook his head, rubbing his face against the warmth as if he were trying to bury himself in it. The idea was a comforting one, if he could only disappear into this warmth of these arms . . .. These arms . . . _Suzaku_ . . .. The world crashed against the wall he'd built so carefully around himself destroying it as if it were nothing more than a piece of paper.

Lelouch snapped upright, pushing himself away from Suzaku with such surprising force that it knocked him backwards off the edge of the bed. The fall to the ground knocked the wind from him but managed to snap him further awake. The memory of last night cleared what remained of that complacent fog of sleep. He felt his face turning red even as a sharp stab of pain raced up and down his back. The pain of last night had been forgotten in the rush of pleasure he'd never have expected in all the days of his life. Even the memory of that pleasure made his face burn further until he wasn't sure which hurt more – his face or his back.

Suzaku climbed out of bed a worried look on his face as he knelt beside Lelouch. Those same arms that had held him down the night before reached out towards him in such tenderness that Lelouch couldn't stop the flinch from happening. He didn't want this – _hadn't_ wanted any of this to happen. Lavender eyes darted across the room towards his salvation but his body refused to obey him, collapsing in pain when he tried to move.

"You shouldn't push yourself . . .."

He didn't want the tenderness in that voice – didn't want to hear such concern when he felt as if the world were ripping itself apart.

"Lelouch . . .." Suzaku's hand touched the side of his face and he flinched a second time biting down on his lip to keep from crying out in pain.

Why did anyone think such an act was anything_ but_ painful? His whole body felt as if the slightest wind could shatter it. Still he could distinctly remember crying out in pleasure . . . _begging_ . . .. Lelouch felt his face burning at the memory as he shook his head, biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood.

"Don't do that!"

Suzaku scolded him as he reached up to wipe the blood from Lelouch's lip. Finally – after what had seemed like an eternity, Lelouch looked up at him. The red flush of Lelouch's face brought a slight blush to Suzaku's own face. He remembered the night before, the fever that had consumed the two of them so completely that it had left them both breathless.

"Lelouch . . ." He felt his voice crack slightly as he struggled to come up with something to say – _anything_ would be better than the silence.

"I'm _not_ gay." Lelouch's voice was filled with a self-hatred that pierced Suzaku deeply, "I'm -," A shaky breath brushed against Suzaku's face, "_Not_ . . .."

"I know," Suzaku felt a slightly amused smile spread across his face, "It's okay . . .." He replied pulling Lelouch's reluctant body close patting the mess of hair the way a mother would when comforting a child.

"It's okay." He repeated moving back to look Lelouch in the face.

"Last night -" Lelouch frowned biting his lip again when he couldn't think of anything more to say.

"It's okay, Lelouch."

The sigh of relief coming from Lelouch felt almost painful as the other boy coiled in around himself, pulling his legs up against his chest in an effort to put something between the two of them. Suzaku leaned back staring back at Lelouch as he focused on calming his heart. He could still feel the heat from Lelouch's body against the palm of his hands, still smell him against his skin.

Lelouch watched Suzaku silently studying the other boy intently, after everything he'd done – after everything _they'd_ done what else could possibly happen? _He's going to bring me back to my father_. The thought sent a stab of pain rattling against his chest, he could see no other way around it – Suzaku was a Knight of Rounds it was only natural that he would betray Lelouch again. _Nunnally_.

"You'll take care of Nunnally when I'm gone won't you?"

Lelouch whispered as he wrapped his arms around his legs, laying his head down on his knees. He felt so tired . . . _still_ felt tired. Suzaku's hand touched his head and he shivered remembering what those hands had done to him the night before – the pleasure that had consumed him so completely that he'd forgotten himself.

"Lelouch . . .." Suzaku hesitated his mind racing as he struggled to think of something.

"You'll take care of Nunnally when I'm gone won't you?" Lelouch repeated shrinking in on himself.

"Lelou –,"

He heard the door open as he spoke but didn't look away from Lelouch before the other boy just – _disappeared_. Suzaku blinked shaking his head as he searched the room for signs of Lelouch but found none. _What_ –? Emptiness greeted his frantic search as he tried to figure out just how Lelouch had disappeared. _You'll take care of Nunnally when I'm gone won't you?_ Lelouch's words made him pause for a second before he rushed from the room. _No – you can't do this_! _Not again, Lelouch_! Suzaku raced down the steps trying to figure out how Lelouch had managed to get away, how he'd allowed himself to be so – _blinded_ by the other boy's plight. He opened the door leading outside and –_stab_. He barely managed to dodge the knife as it buried itself into the door beside his face. A thin line of blood ran down the small cut as he stared in surprise at a familiar face.

"S-Sayoko?"

The woman – Nunnally's former caretaker – smiled back at him so calmly that it took him by surprise when she threw another knife at him. Suzaku ducked beneath the deadly blade – aimed at his heart without so much as a blink of the eye. He reached for his gun but cursed when he remembered he'd left it back in Lelouch's room.

"Sayoko! What are you doing?" Suzaku rolled back throwing his back against the door as another knife flew past him.

"I'm only doing what I have to, Suzaku-sama." Her voice sounded almost apologetic as he listened, "Nunnally-sama and Lelouch-sama have always been precious to me . . . I won't let anyone hurt them, not even a member of the Tokyo Family."

She was keeping him there, Suzaku realized as he listened to her voice. It was odd; he'd always seen Sayoko around Nunnally so it had come as a surprise when she had disappeared from Nunnally's side one year ago.

"Sayoko, you don't have to do this!" He shouted.

"You took Nunnally-sama from him," Her soft voice was punctuated only by the sound of her footsteps calmly moving towards the door, "You took his life from him, you are no better than the man you call Master or your _father_ – you are _much_ worse than that. The Kururugi clan has taken from Japan long enough – I would _kill_ you if I didn't know that that isn't what Lelouch and Nunnally want."

Suzaku took a breath and held it trying to listen to the sound of her footsteps but only silence greeted his efforts. Sayoko's words hurt – they weren't meant to do anything but speak the truth but they still managed to hurt. _I chose to walk this path, _I_ did – on my own, I didn't want Lelouch or Nunnally to be hurt so I chose to walk this path alone_. The familiar sound of a Knightmare's engines starting up startled him back to reality. He didn't hear anything because Sayoko hadn't been walking towards him – she had walked _away_.

Suzaku shot to his feet and raced out the doorway in time to see Lelouch's Knightmare taking off a small figure held in its open palm. He cursed as he slammed his fist against the door. After all was said and done he'd let Lelouch – _no_, he'd let Zero the leader of the Black Knights slip right through his fingers. The sound of his cell phone ringing caught his attention and he pulled it out bringing it up to his ear.

"You'll take care of Nunnally when I'm gone won't you . . . Su-Za-Ku?"


	9. Chapter 9

Fin

Disclaimer: I don't own the Code Geass Characters so please don't sue me for borrowing them

"You will need to relax, brother or I won't be able to get all of it out."

The sound of Rolo's voice whispered against his ear as he struggled to keep his breathing steady. The feel of the water streaming down his back only proved a minor distraction from the unpleasant feel of fingers scrapping the inner most part of him. Lelouch bit down on his lip as he pressed his palms against the cool tiled walls of the shower.

"Even -," Lelouch gasped clinching his teeth together as Rolo's fingers continued to pry into the deepest part of him, "Even if you say – say it like – like that – urgh . . . I – I _can't_!" He heard Rolo's soft sigh and felt the younger boy slide up behind him, only the wall in front of him blocked him from escaping.

"Please, brother . . . bare with me for the moment."

Lelouch opened his mouth to question what Rolo meant but the words were lost to him as the younger boy wrapped his hand around _that_. Panic engulfed him as he struggled against Rolo's grip, trying desperately to pry the other boy away even as his body swelled in response. It made his head swim, his chest tighten. _I'm _not_ gay_. _Stupid Suzaku_! Lelouch bit down hard on his lip, curling his fingers against the wall as he struggled to maintain some semblance of calm.

"Ro-Rolo . . .." Lelouch felt his sides heave as his muscles stretched towards that great release.

"I'm sorry, brother . . .." Rolo's words followed him down into the darkness.

He woke to the sound of the AC flowing through the vents and the soft nearly inaudible sound of the engines as they worked to keep the sub moving. Lelouch blinked as he stared up at the dim ceiling above him. He remembered where he was, where they were going and the plans he'd conveyed to the Black Knights . . . he remembered some things but not all. _Refrain_. He sighed rubbing his forehead as he pushed himself upright. Beside him C.C. shifted in her sleep moving to claim the warmth left behind by his body. _Perhaps it's best I don't remember_? Lelouch glanced down at the strange girl who had changed his whole life. She was the beginning of his path as Zero leader of the Rebel forces seeking freedom from Britannia.

The past few months the Black Knights had stayed in limbo while he, Lelouch had indulged in the drug Refrain loosing himself in memories of the past. _To what end_? He remembered what he'd done at the school – if somewhat dimly and with some scattered pieces. He knew beyond a doubt that Ashford would no longer be a place of peace for him even if he did plan on returning one day. _Too many broken bridges along that path_. Lelouch sighed, in losing himself in the past he had ultimately lost much more than he had planned.

"What do you plan to do now, Lelouch?" C.C.'s voice caught him somewhat off guard and he turned to look down at her.

"I intend to keep moving forward," Lelouch sighed as he climbed to his feet moving to gather his clothes, "If I keep worrying about the past, then I will never be able to move forward. I won't be able to realize my dream."

"Even if it means losing the ones you love?" C.C. asked calmly.

"Even if it means I must be hated, I will live – I have much to atone for after all, I'm afraid I cannot die just yet. If the world hates me then so be it . . . if my friends turn their backs on me then that is the punishment I have agreed to take. I will keep on walking my path – that path I chose on the day I shot and killed Euphie, the day I lost to Suzaku and my past." Lelouch smiled slightly as he lifted the mask of Zero in his hands, "I will make my own path, carved out of the bodies of those I once called friend, sister, mother and father."

"And you won't turn back this time?" C.C. replied her lips half-closed as she looked at him.

Lelouch smiled, "I can't afford to turn back, if I look back now I won't be able to see the future . . . if I turn back now all those who have died and those that _will_ die would never forgive me. This is the path I chose from the moment I decided to pull the trigger." He glanced over his shoulder at her and that lonely smile echoed across the ages of her heart, "I will believe in the path I chose even if I must walk across the corpses of those who placed their faith in me. Because I am Zero – the man who creates worlds, and the man who destroys them."


End file.
